i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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