I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize