just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
