And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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