I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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