Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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