So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Randomize
