Your dad touched me again.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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