I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
