I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize