...so i touched it.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize