you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
