doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
