yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
