my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize