i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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