Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
