New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Randomize