onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
Is it because I queefed?
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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