My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
