At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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