Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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