What a fucking waste of an outfit
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
