I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize