I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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