we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
