you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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