i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Alive.
So much puke
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
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