Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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