My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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