I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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