my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
