I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
my mouth tastes like poor choices
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
