i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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