they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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