he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
