meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
