You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
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