I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
