ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
