you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
