a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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