So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
and you fell through a lawn chair
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
