When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
