why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
