Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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