guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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