Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
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