i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
