You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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