every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
