Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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