the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize