I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
