you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
