I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
