if you like me you must not know who I am
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize