SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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