We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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