I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
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