don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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